Yesterday I gave my father a copy of Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern, then proceeded to grab it and read it myself before he could have a look. I’ve been a fan of the Twitter feed for a while, and thought it would make the perfect Father’s Day gift. It’s absolutely hilarious – I spent the afternoon sort of pissing everyone else off with my uncontrolled laughter.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Justin Halpern moved back in with his parents at the age of 28, after he had given up an apartment to move in with his girlfriend, only to get dumped when he showed up at her door. Justin’s father Sam is 74, and he’s a cantankerous guy with a real potty mouth. I mean that literally – I’ve never seen someone with such a scatological bent. He is seriously smart, though – he had a career in nuclear medicine.
Justin, who has made some pretty funny flowcharts for Maxim, started posting his dad’s comments on Twitter one day, and for about a week he had just a few followers – friends who knew what a character his dad was. One day he had 1,000 followers, and the next day it went to 10,000. He’s now got nearly a million and a half Twitter followers, a bestselling book and a TV show in the works.
The book is great, you’ve gotta run right out (or click on the right) and buy it, but in the meantime I want to share Dad’s advice about mating and dating. Dad has got serious Game, but he didn’t learn it from a book. He’s from the school of aggressive trial and error, and he has no patience for his son’s dithering about women and sex.
The best advice in the book:
Over Breakfast at Denny’s
“I’m not that good-looking. Never was. But I didn’t give a shit. You’re not a bad-looking kid. Better-looking than I was. but nobody’s paying either of us to take our picture, right?
The only way to meet women is act like you been there before. Don’t worry about them telling you they don’t like you. It’s gonna happen. You can’t give a fuck. Otherwise, guys like you and me will never get laid.
Son, you’re always telling me why women don’t like you. No one wants to lay a guy who wouldn’t lay himself.”
Other gems: On My Frequent Absences at High School Dances
“You bitch about no going, so why don’t you just go? ….So then find a date. ….So then meet more women…Jesus Christ, son, I’m not continuing on with this line of questioning, it’s depressing the shit out of me. Do what you want.”
On Getting a Job as a Cook at Hooters
“You, my good man, are not as dumb as I first fucking suspected.”
On Meeting My First Girlfriend, Who Worked at Hooters
“I thought she’d have bigger breasts. I’m just being honest. That’s not a bad thing or a good thing, that’s just a thing I thought.”
On Getting Dumped by My First Girlfriend
“Listen, I understand you’re upset. But you’re both nineteen, you can’t think you were only gonna screw each other forever. That’s just silly talk.”
On My Trip to Europe
“I know you think you’re going to get all kinds of laid. It’s not a magic place, it’s the same as here. Don’t be stupid.”
On Coming Over to My New Apartment Unannounced and Seeing My Room for the First Time
“Why is there a mural of two people fucking on your wall? ….Son, let me be the first to tell you that you’re not Andy fucking Kaufman. When you get famous maybe shit like this will be funny, but right now all is says to me is this kid never gets laid. Ever.”
On Being Lonely and Having Trouble Making Friends
“Have you tried going out to places, talking to people, making an effort? …Bullshit. Talking to someone in a Jiffy Lube waiting room is not making an effort.”
And on a serious note, what Justin’s dad told him when he’d been dumped at 28 by his long-term girlfriend:
“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don’t know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she’s a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don’t ignore what you hear.”
A happy ending for the ladies: he and the gf who dumped him are now engaged. I’m going to assume that has nothing to do with his now being famous and rich.
All in all, a guy could do a hell of a lot worse than learn something about women from sh*t Justin Halpern’s dad says.